Mike's Message for March

Post date: Mar 17, 2020 12:06:54 AM

When I was a little kid, I used to think that, on the first day of spring, the weather would stop being cold and blustery, and immediately turn sunny and warm. I awaited the first day of spring with great anticipation, expecting to run outside in a light t-shirt and frolic in the sun. Imagine my disappointment when I woke up on March 21, went over to the kitchen door and peered out to see a cold, dreary, overcast morning with a couple of flakes of snow, and a no hint of sunshine. I felt gypped! I thought, “Who is in charge of this stuff anyway? Mommm! What happened to spring?” Of course, Mom couldn’t fix this disaster, and instead, she imparted some parental wisdom on me. She said, “Spring comes when it wants to come. Not when you want it to come.” Instead of learning a lesson, I felt even more gypped. What good are parents anyway if they can’t fix this stuff?

Well, shoot forward in time a few decades or so. Now I am president of a really great social club that offers lots of fun things to do. But when I go to an event and I see the participants enjoying themselves with laughter, joking, conversation, fun and good food, I wonder about all those people who did not come out to join us. Where are they? They should be here too, sharing in all this fun. Then a version of my mother’s words comes back to me saying, “People come to events when they want to come. Not when you want them to come.” What!? Gypped again! We can’t have this! I am president. I should be able to fix this. So I stayed up all night figuring out how to get everybody to come to our events. And I came up with a plan. I will only need the club to buy a few items necessary to carry out my plan: A list of all members, associates and subscribers (check), A few people to take attendance at our events (I can do that), a paddy wagon, rope and tethers, and a cattle prod (in case anybody gets ornery). All we have to do is drive the paddy wagon over to the homes of those recalcitrant people who did not show up, and drag them out to the event. While a few people might be a bit put out, I am sure most will thank me after the event proves to be a great and fun experience. The plan is fool proof!

Good. I just need a few volunteers to drive the paddy wagon, and to ride in the back with the “guests.” I already managed to find some used cattle prods at a very good price. They work fairly well, but you have to handle them carefully because they tend to --Ouch!-- short circuit occasionally --Whoa!--. But with a little practice --Yow!-- anyone can Yipe!-- master them. I also managed to get a paddy wagon on budget. It looks like a rickshaw, so we’ll need some brawny volunteers to pull it. (The cattle prods may come in handy here too.) Now then, aren’t you glad you elected such a dedicated, competent and effective president? All I need is to have the Board approve my expenses. All in favor…

Mike Kernan / CAC President