Mike’s Message for May

It’s Spring!  I’m all excited about spring and summer. That’s when the little kid in me takes over.  (To be honest, he doesn’t actually takeover.  He never really left). I get to run around and play ball, go biking, swimming, camping, hiking, and all that other fun stuff that doesn’t work well when it’s cold out. And oh boy, do we have some great spring and summer fun planned! Now don’t let me spoil things for those of you who have sunk tons of money into an expensive, large screen, digital, hi-def TV entertainment system (or two). I fully realize that nothing could possibly lure you out into the real world, where trees whisper, frogs croak, butterflies flutter, birds sing, and yes, the sun still shines.  All you bona fide couch potatoes have a lifetime permit (or is it a sentence)? To remain chained to your lounge chairs.  I would not want to interfere with your hard-earned

loafing time dedicated to the boob tube. But as for me, I’m going to blow all my free time in the sun until my hair bleaches and my skin tans! Although there is no chance that you’ll even consider doing any of the foolish spring and summer events we have put together, at least you can enjoy a good laugh by checking out the silly things us nature boys (and girls!) will be up to. We’ll be camping and swimming, hiking at various local woodlands, biking the trails, picnicking, playing softball and tennis, and going on scenic train rides, just to name

a few. It probably makes you exhausted just reading about them.  And just think how tired, hungry, blistered, sunburned, and miserable we’ll be when we get home. Boy are we dumb! But we can’t help it.  It’s some kind of disease.  Uh oh, I feel the summer itch coming on.  I can’t sit still.  It’s got a hold of me.  Look out wild life, here I come!

Regards,

Mike Kernan

Mike’s Message for April

Every April, I always think of spring. But this year, I forgot. So instead, I thought of new ways for CACers to have fun. But first, you have to get in the right mindset. You need to realize that fun won’t come knocking at your door. You have to go out where the fun is. But how do you find out where the fun is? Simple!  You just open your CAC Newsletter and voila!  There it is!  Lots of fun events where you can relax, laugh, and enjoy good conversation with the rest of us. Don’t worry if you are the quiet type. We have many members who can do the talking for you. All you have to do is smile or laugh on cue. I’ll help with cue cards. I have LAUGH, SMILE,  NOD and ROLL EYES.  Those should get you through most of the conversation. For the rest, you can ad lib. So come on out and start enjoying life.

I would like to wish all of you a joyous and blessed Easter. Please take advantage of your parish’s lenten observances, especially during Holy Week. It makes the Easter celebration so much more meaningful.

Mike Kernan

Mike’s Message for March

As time marches on, it eventually marches into spring. And you know what that means… It means that all you hibernating CACers need to get out and start coming to events. You know who you are. You are the ones who never come out all winter long because, “I hate driving in the winter,” or “It’s so dang cold out there,” or “My winter woolies are full of holes.”  Well, those excuses won’t cut it any more because spring comes in March.  And we will soon start those outdoor fun events again, like biking and hiking and other active “-ing” things. But it won’t do you any good if you don’t come out of your hibernation. So wake up and smell the roses (or daffodils), crawl out of your hole, and come on over to some CAC events so we don’t forget who you are. And don’t give me that yawn. You need to get up, put on your jacket, and geo out and socialize. Now March!

Mike Kernan

Mike’s Message for February 

Last year at this time, I traveled to Punxsutawney to garner some advice for the Club from the wise and esteemed groundhog.  But the Board, in their cheap- skated wisdom, refused to refund my expenses. So this Groundhog, Gus, who was considerably less expensive.

After explaining my concerns and questions at length, Gus told me to buy all the Lottery tickets I could afford and wait for the windfall. Before I could explain that the Board would not refund anything, he hung up. So I was back to square one. While sitting on a park bench, wallowing in self pity, a bird landed on my shoulder, and asked why I was so glum. (No, I am not crazy. It was a parrot, and as you all know, some parrots do talk.) I told him my story and he offered this advice: “You can’t throw money at a problem and expect it to be solved. Single people don‘t need costly advice. They merely need each other. When lonely people get together, the loneliness disappears.” Then he flew off, (leaving on my shoulder a small reminder of his visit). Later on,

while laundering my shirt, I considered his advice. He is right, you know. All we have to do is to get together, and things start looking up right away. CAC offers lots of different events for single people to come together and enjoy each other’s company. All you need to do is to try out some events and see for yourself. It’s so easy.  So listen to the parrot and join us at some events this month. You will be glad you did. And if you happen to need any lottery tickets, just ask me. It seems that I have quite a few more than I need.

Mike Kernan

P.S. Is there any chance that the Board will reimburse my dry cleaning bill for that shirt?

Mike’s Message for December

Whatever you do this month, don’t miss the annual CAC Christmas Dinner/Dance. It is one of our best events of the year. If you missed your reservation for the dinner, you can still come to the dance only, and pay at the door. It is important to take a moment to relax and spend some quality time with friends because Christmas can be a very busy and stressful time. It’s the same for me. I spend a lot of time preparing my living room for Santa’s elves. Every year, despite all my efforts, Santa’s elves insist on scattering my annual coal delivery all over the living room, despite the fact that I provide a large and sturdy bin to hold it in. So each year, I have to spend the bulk of Christmas Day cleaning up the mess. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind the coal, since I get top dollar for it on the black market. (North Pole anthracite is the best quality coal in the world.) But they could at least put it in the bin! But Noooooo! Year after year, the coal is scattered everywhere except for the bin, which remains shiny and pristine. And they eat all the cookies too. Pesky elves! 

But enough about my problems, I would like to express my wish for a joyous and blessed Christmas for all.

Mike Kernan

P.S. If anybody out there can speak elfin or North Pole-ese, or whatever it is that elves speak, please write me a note in their language that says, “Please put the coal in the bin.” And please do it before Christmas Eve. I’m desperate here. Anyway, it’s worth a shot.

Mike’s Message for November

I wish you all a happy and blessed Thanksgiving. We all have ample reasons to give thanks.  I recently sat down quietly and thought about how many things I have to be thankful for. I was pleasantly surprised at all the things that came to mind. Let me share some of my own personal favorites:

1.   CAC is alive and well.

2.   Someone recently stole my identity, but they didn’t want it so they gave it back.

3.   I recently learned that, due to a miscalculation, I am 10 years younger than I thought.

4.   My grade school bully recently violated parole, and is now back in the slammer.

5.   CAC is alive and well.

6.   I recently received a new vaccine that immunizes against calories. (Welcome back cake!)

7.   I no longer get bit by mosquitoes since I quit bathing last year. (Even poison ivy won’t touch me.)

8.   Santa still brings me coal, but I get top dollar for it on the black market.

9.   There are no zombies living under my bed.  (I think I got them all.)

10. CAC is alive and well.

You may have noticed that I am thankful that CAC is alive and well.  A long time ago, I was lonely and bored. But then I stumbled on CAC.  Now I have an organized group of friends with whom to interact and enjoy various interesting and fun activities and events. And I am more than willing to share CAC with you. No need to thank me. That’s the kind of guy I am. Now when you are done being thankful, put on your jacket and go out to a CAC event, so you can see for yourself why it is worth all this gratitude.

Mike Kernan

Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme

Mike’s Message for October

CAC is alive and has prepared new fun adventures for October. You only need to take advantage of them. But do look ahead at other months as well, since some events require advance reservation. I especially recommend the Christmas Dinner Dance coming up in December and accepting reservations now. This is always well-attended, and it is a great opportunity to enjoy a nice dinner and dance with lots of great people. You will know some, but not all who attend. But I know most of them and can vouch for them all. You will be very comfortable in this group.  They are even nice to me! Go figure. I used to pay them, but now they are nice to me for free. And I only have to wash the dishes after the Christmas Dinner Dance. What a deal! (Last year, somebody told me I would not need to wash the pots next time, but I didn’t get a notarized letter. I hope they honor that anyway.)  So please sign up and enjoy.  You will be glad you did. But try not to dirty any pots. Oh, and there will be cake.  Did I mention the cake?

So much for future planning. In the meantime, enjoy this month’s events. And remember, CAC is not a dating club. It’s a social club. So there is none of that pressure or worry about couples, or dating, or pick-ups or any of that sort of thing. We are just fun-loving people who like to do fun things with others who are unattached. If by chance, you happen to meet someone special, I guess that’s OK. (We may have to fine you though. Oddly, I am always getting cited for one thing or another. Last summer, I was cited for shooting off fireworks in the middle of the night at the camping trip. I told them it wasn’t me, but they made me do the dishes all week anyway.)

So do try to enjoy this month’s events, and plan to attend some of our bigger future events that require reservations. They are really great times! But please try not to dirty too many dishes.

Mike

Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme

Mike’s Message for September

 Holy smokes! It’s September already! Where is the summer going?  Well, if you did not get enough summertime fun, there are still some chances this month. We have a canoe trip on Labor Day, and a big picnic on the 23rd. So make sure you take advantage of these activities before it snows. While I was in Punxsutawney last February, I overheard the ground hog confiding with his peer seers. They said something about snow piled up to the windows and schools closed for a week. When

they spotted me, I pretended that I didn’t know anything, and I just put on a dumb look and played stupid. Apparently I am good at that, because they bought it and ignored me, and I managed to scurry off with this foreboding prediction.  So you had better prepare for cabin fever now by getting out there and enjoying the host of great events offered here in your CAC newsletter. When the snow comes and you can’t get outside, you’ll wish you did not let the summer go idly by.  Of course, we will be planning some great winter activities too, so the fun need not end with the sun. Still, though, you had better take advantage of today’s fun today. You know the old saying: Opportunity does not knock. It only presents itself when you beat down the door.

Mike