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President's Letter, October, 2018
Mike’s Message for October CAC is alive and has prepared new fun adventures for October. You only need to take advantage of them. But do look ahead at other months as well, since some events require advance reservation. I especially recommend the Christmas Dinner Dance coming up in December and accepting reservations now. This is always well-attended, and it is a great opportunity to enjoy a nice dinner and dance with lots of great people. You will know some, but not all who attend. But I know most of them and can vouch for them all. You will be very comfortable in this group. They are even nice to me! Go figure. I used to pay them, but now they are nice to me for free. And I only have to wash the dishes after the Christmas Dinner Dance. What a deal! (Last year, somebody told me I would not need to wash the pots next time, but I didn’t get a notarized letter. I hope they honor that anyway.) So please sign up and enjoy. You will be glad you did. But try not to dirty any pots. Oh, and there will be cake. Did I mention the cake? So much for future planning. In the meantime, enjoy this month’s events. And remember, CAC is not a dating club. It’s a social club. So there is none of that pressure or worry about couples, or dating, or pick-ups or any of that sort of thing. We are just fun-loving people who like to do fun things with others who are unattached. If by chance, you happen to meet someone special, I guess that’s OK. (We may have to fine you though. Oddly, I am always getting cited for one thing or another. Last summer, I was cited for shooting off fireworks in the middle of the night at the camping trip. I told them it wasn’t me, but they made me do the dishes all week anyway.) So do try to enjoy this month’s events, and plan to attend some of our bigger future events that require reservations. They are really great times! But please try not to dirty too many dishes. Mike Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme |
President's Letter, September, 2018
Mike’s Message for September Holy smokes! It’s September already! Where is the summer going? Well, if you did not get enough summertime fun, there are still some chances this month. We have a canoe trip on Labor Day, and a big picnic on the 23rd. So make sure you take advantage of these activities before it snows. While I was in Punxsutawney last February, I overheard the ground hog confiding with his peer seers. They said something about snow piled up to the windows and schools closed for a week. When they spotted me, I pretended that I didn’t know anything, and I just put on a dumb look and played stupid. Apparently I am good at that, because they bought it and ignored me, and I managed to scurry off with this foreboding prediction. So you had better prepare for cabin fever now by getting out there and enjoying the host of great events offered here in your CAC newsletter. When the snow comes and you can’t get outside, you’ll wish you did not let the summer go idly by. Of course, we will be planning some great winter activities too, so the fun need not end with the sun. Still, though, you had better take advantage of today’s fun today. You know the old saying: Opportunity does not knock. It only presents itself when you beat down the door. Mike |
President's Letter, August, 2018
Mike’s Message for August Don’t you just love summer? I do. And I especially love sharing summertime outdoors with my CAC friends. CACers are special people. Although we each started out as a little kid, we eventually grew up into adults. (I didn’t want to, but they made me.) For some people, the adult completely replaced the little kid. But with CACers it’s different. We are fun-loving people who managed to keep that little kid alive inside us. And we can let that little kid out sometimes to frolic and enjoy some carefree good times with our like-minded CAC friends. But unlike little kids, we now have money and a car, so we can really take advantage of fun things that were out of reach when we were young. We can play miniature golf, we can go bowling, we can go biking, we can go to restaurants or go on weekend trips, and do all those great things listed in the newsletter. It would be a shame if your little kid were deprived of all those fun opportunities due to adult reluctance. (Don’t worry. I asked your Mom, and she said it was OK.) So here is what you need to do: Before you read the rest of this newsletter, first sit down in a comfortable chair. Take a deep breath and harken back to a summertime in your childhood when you were only ten. Recall how you used to wake up looking forward to just going out and having fun. Well, remember that joyful feeling, and hold onto it. Then, with this fun-loving feeling in your heart, go ahead and read this newsletter. Pick out those events that really interest you, and also consider trying a new type of event that you might have ignored before. Make a point to be a little kid again this month, and have fun! Don’t worry. We’ll all help. (Of course, there will be pictures. Sorry.) Mike Kernan |
President's Message, July 2018
Mike’s Message for July Summer is in full swing now, and we are in the sun. Try some of our outdoor activities. We have a hike in one of our city parks this month, biking, and a camping trip to Lake Erie to name a few. (Even if you don’t camp, you can join us for a day or you can stay in a motel nearby and meet us for campfires and activities.) Last month, we went canoeing. Doing things outdoors is what summer is all about. It’s my favorite thing to do. Ever since I broke out jai..., er, that is, … since I was trapped indoors for the long winter, I can’t stand to be cooped up. So I really enjoy the warm summer weather and the opportunity it provides to appreciate nature, and to get away from the bustling city abounding with cop.., er, that is, crowded with people in a mad rush and hurry. So get out with your CAC friends, take a deep breath, and relax in the sun this summer. The more the merrier. You will like surrounding yourself with friends. I do. And when you’re in a crowd, they can’t spot you as easily and haul you back to the pok… ah, that is,… and bother you with unending requests for autographs and photo ops. It’s tough being a CAC celebrity. But I’m willing to suffer for the good of the many. No need to thank me. (But I do accept gifts, cash, and bullion. No, not the broth kind.) Hope to see you all outside this month! Mike Kernan |
President's Message, June, 2018
Mike’s Message for June Did you ever read the fictional story of Shangri-La? It was a hidden place tucked in the Himalayas where life was peaceful and happy, and people lived long lives. CAC is one of those special places where people can go to enjoy a brief escape, a respite, from life’s many annoyances. It’s a place to relax, to laugh, to talk about anything or nothing, and to stop and smell the roses. And in that special place, CACers have a unique super power. They can’t fly, or turn invisible, or leap tall buildings. (I used to do that, but I gave it up. The gawkers made me self-conscious.) But CACers do have a special super power. With nothing more than a friendly word, or a gentle ear, or by sharing a meal, or a laugh, or a sigh, we can lift up and bring joy to a lonely or downtrodden spirit. It seems like such a simple thing, but in fact, it is magical. It relieves pain and has healing properties. And its benefits extend in both directions, to the giver and the receiver. I urge you all to come to CAC events and to experience this super power to learn for yourselves its marvelous properties. You will discover that CAC is much more than a social club. It reminds me of that song, “Lean on Me.” But that title is too one-sided. If applied to CAC, the song would be called, “We Lean Together.” So get out of your cubbyhole, step away from the boob tube and your iPad, and come to a CAC event and live, laugh, and “lean” with us. It feels like a deep breath on a sunny day in the Himalayas…like Shangri-La. Mike Kernan, President P.S. Here are the results of last month’s poll. The choices were (A) Singles Police, (B) Knock-out models, (C) Puppies, or (D) Welcoming Atmosphere. Well, B got a lot of votes, but I am happy to report that D was the winner. So to all those applicants for the jobs of Singles Ninja Police, your services will not be needed.) Also, I have a lot of puppies I need to find homes for. I guess I jumped the gun a bit.
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President's Message, May, 2018
Mike’s Message for May Now that spring is upon us, we can enjoy the blessings of spring. But that’s only possible if you get off your lounge chair, check your newsletter, and commit to attending some great CAC events. I am getting weary of encouraging people who never attend anything. Therefore, as President, I have considered several new ways to get recalcitrant members to participate. Here are some of my ideas: Maybe I should start a new agency called the SMNP. That stands for the Singles Mutant Nija Police. Their job is to scour the county looking for recalcitrant CACers who miss out on all the fun by staying home when events are happening. No more! The SMNP will hunt you down, capture you, and drag you to events. Of course, there will be kicking and screaming at first. But eventually they will thank me once they have tasted the fun and camaraderie that CACers always enjoy. Or…. We can hire knock-out models to attend our events and pretend they are regular members. That ought to bring members out of the woodwork. Or…. We can have puppies at every event. Everybody loves puppies. That ought to draw ‘em in. Or… We can make a concerted effort to be more inviting, and extend a welcome to everyone, thereby embracing all in a warm and welcoming atmosphere. These are all such great ideas. I just can’t decide myself. Please pick your preference and let me know your vote. The choices are (A) Singles Police, (B) Knock-out models, (C) Puppies, or (D) Welcoming Atmosphere. Results will be noted in my next letter. Mike Kernan President
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President's Message, April, 2018
Mike’s Message for April I wish you all a happy and blessed Easter. Some of you have heard this historical story of mine before, but I think it deserves a rerun for those CACers who are clueless (I mean about our history). Many of you have heard that CAC history dates back to the 1960’s. While that may be true locally, in fact, archeologists have recently uncovered evidence of CAC back in the Aztec civilization, where it was called AAC, or “Aztec Alumni Club.” (Aren‘t we lucky that I am able to read and translate ancient Aztec writings? And you all thought speaking groundhog was impressive…) Yes, the Aztecs also had single people like us, who were seeking fun things to do with like-minded singles their own ages. But back then, it was much more difficult. Attempts to organize such classic events as movie night, bowling, and dinners were unsuccessful. You see, the Aztecs were rather shy and afraid to try new things. And since movies, bowling and restaurants had not yet been invented, very few of these shy Aztecs were courageous enough to show up at such events. Furthermore, being single was apparently a dangerous status back then, at least for women, because single women were always being sacrificed to appease some temperamental Aztec deity. For this reason, few Aztec women showed up at AAC events for fear they might be selected to “dance” with the sun god. Thankfully, all these problems had been solved in the modern era. Today, you can show up at movie night, bowling, and dinners and actually expect to enjoy a real movie, bowling, and dinner. And since it is no longer legal to sacrifice women to sun gods (at least, I think so), there is no longer any stigma associated with being single. In short, the CAC of Pittsburgh has solved almost all the various problems that prevented the Aztec Alumni Club from being successful. I say “almost” because there is still one problem that CAC has in common with its Aztec counterpart. We still have shy people who are afraid to try new things. Sadly, they are missing the chance to make a lot of good friends and enjoy some interesting conversation and pleasant, good times. To these people, I reiterate my personal theme for this year: Welcome! Please come on out and join the fun. And for our regular active members, I encourage all of you to go out of your way to try something new, some event that is a bit different from the usual ones you prefer to attend. You may be very pleasantly surprised. So come on out and join in the fun. (Aztec deities need not apply.) Sincerely, Mike Kernan Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme |
President's Message, March, 2018
Mike’s Message for March Wow! I am into my third month as your President, and no one has bumped me off yet. (I would credit that to my bodyguard, Mugsy, except that he took a swing at me himself.) Anyway, we have been moving along rather smoothly, but I would like to increase membership participation in our event planning. Rather than sitting around and waiting for a good event to show up in the newsletter, all members (as well as Associates and Subscribers) have the ability to suggest an event. It’s so easy. We have a simple and easy form on our website at http://www.cacpittsburgh.org/events/suggest-event. The event will be reviewed by our social committee, and you will be contacted if questions arise. So if there is something you would like to do, go ahead and suggest an event. If you prefer instead, you can call me or another board member and talk about it. I would like to give you some examples, but my own ideas did not always work out. In fact, many events that I had suggested over the years were subsequently designated taboo by the Board. I will list a few here so you can avoid suggesting events like these: Frog Races in Carnegie Library, William Tell Apple Archery, Gorilla Petting at the Zoo; Jenga with Eggs; Pin the Tail on the CAC Board Member; Dumpster Snorkeling; Hands Across Antarctica; Armpit Orchestra Karaoke; Trivial Pursuit-Intestinal Edition; Slinky Bungee Jumping; Ants-in-the-Pants Dance Marathon; Anatomical Pictionary (don’t ask); Relay Alligator Wrestling; Wheelchair Races at the nursing home, and Underwater Hockey. (There may be a few more.) So don’t be discouraged if your event does not work out. I was told that my events were “uniquely qualified to be designated taboo” (whatever that means). I am confident that you can do better. We welcome your suggestions with enthusiasm. (It’s only mine they don’t want.) Mike Kernan Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme (No need to bow. Just throw money.) |
President's Message, February, 2018
Mike’s Message My second month as president is fraught with a problem. How can I reach out to members who never come to any events? As luck would have it, a fortune cookie had the answer: “Seek professional help.” So I traveled to Punxsutawney to consult with the wise and renowned Punxsutawney Phil. (I hope our Treasurer will allow me to expense this.) Since it is near Groundhog Day, the wise (and fat) seer was accepting visitors, and was seated in a Santa-like throne at the top of the stairs at GC Murphy’s. I waited in line for over an hour before I got my turn to see him. I asked him, “Oh wise and famous whistle pig, why do so many CACers stay at home month after month, and fail to enjoy our friendship and fun events?” He snorted and pointed to his tip jar. So I tossed in a buck. He laughed. I ended up coughing up $20 before he spoke. (I really hope the Treasurer will let me expense this.) The rotund rodent raised his paws and said, “CACers who never come out are afraid. They are afraid that people will see them as misfits, or that people will detect their flaws and their funny mannerisms and they will be embarrassed. Whenever they plan to come to an event, at the last minute they start to worry, and they find some reason to duck back in their little hole and hide from the world.” “Wow,” I said. “How do you know all this?” He replied, “Personal experience.” After a pause, I said, “But that’s so silly. Nobody actually fits into a neat category, so everybody is a misfit of sorts. And we all have flaws and funny mannerisms. But that is what we love about each other. Those things are not embarrassing. They are endearing. We love the oddities about our friends. It reminds us that they are just as warm and human as we are. How can we make them see this?” He gave me a wise and understanding look, and pointed again to his tip jar. Another 20 bucks later he replied, “You have to tell them that there is nothing to fear. You must make them understand that CAC is the warmest, friendliest social club out there. Only then will they venture out to events and see for themselves.” So there you have it. Words of wisdom from another soul who hides in a hole hoping for sunny days. CAC has put together a lot of sunny day events. All you need to do is come out and meet us. Try it once. You won’t regret it. Mike Kernan (Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme) P.S. I’ll bet you are all impressed that I can speak ground hog. It is one of my many talents. P.P.S. Bob, tell me I can expense this. |
President's Message, January, 2018
Dear Friends: In case you haven’t heard, I have been elected President of CAC---again. You’re probably asking the same question I am: “How could this travesty happen?" Well, here’s the story: Near the river I found an old oil lamp. When I picked it up, it smoked, and suddenly there was this tan guy wearing traditional Arabic clothing and claiming to be a genie. Of course, I didn’t believe it. (He didn’t even have light-brown hair.) But I figured, oh heck, just go with it. So I said, “This is the part where I get 3 wishes, right?” And he said, “No, we stopped that at the turn of the millennium. But you can have a herd of camels.” I said, “What?! All I get is some lame camels? I should stuff you right back in that lamp!” So he said, “Alright, I’ll give you one wish. But don’t go overboard. I’m only a 3rd class genie.” Well, I didn’t want to blow this. These guys can be tricky. After careful thought, I told him, “I always had a secret hankering to conquer the world. But now that I have this wish, I can skip the conquering and go straight to the ruling part.” “Well,” he said. “That’s a tall order. Such a ruling position does not even exist. Would you settle for something like President?” “Wow,” I said. “That sounds pretty good. Imagine me, President.” So I took the deal. Still, I wanted to get some clarifications. But before I could say anything else, he uttered some kind of alakazam mumbo-jumbo. With a flash and a poof, I found myself at a CAC General Membership Meeting, where I was being congratulated for, (you guessed it) for being the only nominee for CAC President. (So don’t anybody complain to me. I am the victim here.) But there are two things you can all do to help me. First, rather than calling me President, I would very much prefer the title of “Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme.” It is not much to ask. And with a little practice it just rolls off the tongue. Secondly, this is a great social club and offers a tremendous opportunity for fun and camaraderie. Look over your newsletter and check out the activities and upcoming events. There is something for everyone. Make a point to try something different, just for kicks. You will be glad you did. And for those who are so shy that you have not yet come to an event, please do come soon. We don’t bite. I would be delighted to see some new faces sharing our many good times with us. Mike Kernan Your Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme |
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