Mike’s Message for January

By the time you read this, you will probably already know that I have been elected president yet again. And I know what you must be thinking: “Oh, the travesty of it all!”  I know. I feel the same way. It’s like that movie, Ground Hog Day. I am stuck in this repeating cycle with no end. Too bad most of the impeachment experts are all too busy right now. Hmmm. Maybe somebody can organize a CAC coup. (If you need more people, I’ll even join. I’m open to anything at this point.)

Well, at least being president does not preclude me from enjoying all those great CAC events. As a member, I do get to enjoy all the friendship and camaraderie that come with membership. CAC is all about enjoying life with other people. If CAC were a product, I would call it, “Friends in a Can.” Whenever you’re bored or lonely, just open up a can, and Voila! Instant party! But we can’t pack all those people in a can. (The officials frown on that.) So instead, we pack all the fun into this newsletter. Just open up the newsletter, and there it is: all sorts of pre-planned, fun events for your enjoyment. No can opener needed. Just show up at the designated places and times, and let the good times roll!  What could be better than that? So instead of griping about another year with me as your president, just put it out of your mind and come on out and have fun. I won’t stop you. And if there is a successful coup that topples me, I’ll throw a huge party and you can all come! Please don’t object. Just let me dream…

Mike Kernan

CAC President

P.S. I have some extra coal left over from Christmas in case anybody needs some.

Mike’s Message for December

It is finally the last month of my 2019 Presidency, and to my surprise the club has survived. Like all of you, I find myself getting ready for Christmas.

Santa always remembers me on that magical day. His annual coal delivery to my living room has been growing steadily each year. For a long time I was upset about this.  It’s very messy and hard to clean up. I used to board up all the doors and windows and put a roaring fire in the fireplace. But that pesky elf managed to get in every time. Then one day, I happened to learn that North Pole anthracite (NPA) is the best quality coal on earth.  Since then, I have made a killing every New Year’s Eve selling the whole load on the coal spot market. (NPA sells at a very high price.) I have customers calling in their orders in advance. In fact, I have to be extra bad this year to make sure I reach my goal of 50 tons.

So instead of thanking the Board for all their hard work, I decided to insult each one of them. (That ought to rake in the coal!)  So here goes:

I really should take this opportunity to thank all the Board members for their tireless efforts. Their hard work scheduling, planning and executing numerous events and their many details was key to this year’s success. But I’m not going to do that. My need for coal comes first. So here’s to all you hard working Board Members:

“Sucker born every minute! Pppbbbfffttt! Nyyeaaahhh!”

Sincerely,

Mike Kernan

President, CAC Pittsburgh

P.S.  I guess I can settle for only 49 tons of coal, so… May all of our CACers have a warm and blessed Christmas with family and friends this year. And thank you all for sharing a wonderful year filled with friends. May there be many more for all of us.

Mike’s Message for October

Last night I had a strange dream about CAC. I was watching mixed up classic TV shows, when I heard a knock at the door. I said, “Who’s there?”  They replied, “It’s the CAC. Come on out and join us for some fun.”  I thought, “Oh boy! Just what I need!”  I grabbed my coat and darted out the door. I was shocked to see that it wasn’t CAC at all. It was a land shark! I dove back inside just in time, and I managed to muscle the door shut. “Whew! That was close.”  I went back to the TV to watch Leave it to Gilligan.  A little while on, there was another knock.  “Who is it?” They replied, “It’s the CAC. Come on out and join us for some fun. And don’t forget your car keys.” I thought, “Not that land shark again.” I peeked out and saw some guy waving at me. I figured this was the real deal, and I opened the door. Well it wasn’t CAC. It was the Repo Man, and he grabbed my car keys, jumped into my car and drove off. I was mortified. I went back to the TV to watch Sgt. Schultz starring in Little House on the Stalag. Before the episode ended, there was another knock. “Who is it?” They replied, “It’s the CAC. Come on out and join us for some fun.” I opened the door only to find out it was the IRS, and they put a lien on my salary. I couldn’t take it anymore! I tore my shirt, knelt down on my knees and I cried, “Where did I go wrong!” Then a ray of light shone down on me from above. And a voice said, “You goofball! CAC doesn’t come knocking at your door to get you. You have to go to CAC to have fun. They send you a newsletter with all the great, fun activities every month.  Don’t fall for those bogus visitors claiming to be CAC. Just read your newsletter and come out to the events.” I replied, “Oh yeah. Thanks for the great advice. By the way, are you God?”  He replied, “No, it’s me, Gary. I’m on your roof with a flashlight.”  I went back in the house and sat down to watch Mr. Rogers starring in Rawhide. But soon there came a knock at the door. “Who is it this time?” They replied. “It’s the mail man. I’m delivering your mail including your new CAC Newsletter.” I thought, “Oh boy. I’ll finally get to have fun.” I eagerly opened the door. But it wasn’t the mailman. It was that land shark again. And he ate me.

But don’t fret. Remember--it was all just a dream. I’m OK. But there is a lesson here. CAC does not come to you. You have to go to CAC to have fun. If you wait for them to come to you, all you’ll get are land sharks, repo men, and IRS agents. Get off your duff and come out and join us for fun. I will be there too…right after today’s feature movie: Godzilla meets Gomer.

Mike Kernan

CAC President

Mike’s Message for September

It is hard to believe, but a few people actually do read the President’s Message. (I lost that bet.) For those lucky souls who opt to grace themselves with my wisdom (stop choking- I know you’re faking that), here are some enlightening tidbits:   Be sure to note that our General Membership Meeting has been scheduled for November, and is listed in this newsletter. We will list it for the next three months, therefore everyone will know about it. The event is run as a free social night with board games and refreshments, which we interrupt briefly for the nominations for club officers from the floor. But if you want to nominate yourself or another member for office, you can do so any time before the meeting by sending a note (email is fine) to one of the Board members. The offices up for election are President, First VP, Second VP, Secretary, and Treasurer. The committee heads are appointed from among the various volunteers. If you are interested in any of our committees, just submit your name for consideration. Committee heads have a vote on the Board. But anyone can participate on a committee as a “committee member” by just volunteering. It is that easy. If you have ideas that can help the club create great activities, then join a committee. We welcome your enthusiasm.  You can join a committee anytime, not just

during elections. No vote is needed to join a committee. It is fun and gratifying to host an event.

Mike Kernan

CAC President

Mike’s Message for August

What a great summer it has been! CAC has really outdone itself with great sunshine activities this year. In addition to the usual’s like outdoor volleyball, happy hours, biking, dances, hikes, brunch, Pirate games, softball and tennis, we have also enjoyed camping, a scenic train ride, canoeing, golf, and mini golf (just to name a few). The Pittsburgh chapter is one of the most active chapters of the CACI. A brief look at newsletters of CAC’s from other cities, you can see what I mean. Few chapters even come close to the number or quality of our activities.

Of course, it took a lot of pulling teeth to get some of you shy members to take advantage of all the great work your Board is doing.  CAC has a lot to offer.  As single people, many of us are not burdened by the responsibilities of family, and are unencumbered by debt.  So, in a way, we are like kids with money and a car. And we don’t have to answer that annoying old question: “Where are you going and when are you coming home?”  We’re free! Free to go to picnics, dances, and weekend events! So don’t waste this rare and magic time of life! Go out and have some fun with your CAC friends!

OK, so some of us do have responsibilities of family, such as aging parents. And maybe we do have some debts, like a mortgage or a car payment. But that’s no reason to lock ourselves away never to be seen or heard. Break away once in a while and refresh your inner spirit by spending some quality time with good friends. That’s what CAC is for.  Make the most of it.

Mike Kernan

CAC President

Mike’s Message for July

What month is it again?  I forgot.  Wait, I’ll check outside. Let’s see…It’s hot and sunny.  Kids are playing ball (on their cell phones of course), the ice cream drone is buzzing overhead, and CACers are preparing to go camping.  It must be July!  When I was a kid, I used to say, “It’s only July, so that means I have another 8 weeks before school starts again!”  Well nowadays, I don’t have to worry about school.  (Unless the truant officer finds out that I never attended kindergarten.  I would hate to be forced to attend now, at my age.  Although it would be fun, it would be so embarrassing.)  The point is we can still enjoy summer even though we are all grown up. CAC is offering lots of summer events to make you smile and forget about your troubles.  But you have to do your part. Put on your spats, comb your hair and come on out and play.  The game is called “CAC”.  It’s easy.  Here’s how you play:  1) grab your newsletter and find out what’s going on. 2) Go to the event.  3) Join in on the fun. Here’s a tip: Be sure to smile. Nobody wants to see you frowning as it brings everybody down.  That’s all there is to it.  At the end of the year, the person who has the most fun gets a prize.  (But before you get your hopes up, I should tell you that I usually win. Nyeaaaah!)  But even the losers can look back and realize that at least they had a great time too.  Come on out and play CAC!  Last one there is a rotten egg!

Mike Kernan

Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme

(Oh, and President too)

Mike’s Message for June 

Aaagh! It’s already June and I have not experienced nearly enough fun spring and summer activities! Time is rapidly running out. Quick! Grab your newsletter and see what we can do in June! Oh, wow! There’s a picnic with the blind, a dance cookout, an outdoor beach party happy hour, a scenic train ride weekend, a bike ride, volleyball every Wednesday, and a free outdoor concert at the Frick, minigolf, and league softball on Sundays. And we have some indoor things as well: mass and brunch in Lawrenceville, and a musical theater event at the Benedum! Whoopee! Is this a great club or what?! Of course, as your President, I intend to take full credit for everything. Nobody helped. It was all me.

….Well…OK, it wasn’t all me. I might have had a little help. But only a little. Like the picnic--that wasn’t mine.  Oh, and neither were the cookout, happy hour, bike ride, volleyball or softball, musical, outdoor concert,… Oh never mind. I had a lot of help, OK! I would do more, but I am busy fending off impeachment all the time. Gimme a break, will ya?! Just go to the events and have fun. That’s all that matters. Let’s not sweat the details.

Mike Kernan

P.S. I did arrange the train ride event. But don’t worry. I won’t be driving the train. (They wouldn’t let me.  Pesky conductor!)

Mike’s Message for May

It’s Spring!  I’m all excited about spring and summer. That’s when the little kid in me takes over.  (To be honest, he doesn’t actually takeover.  He never really left). I get to run around and play ball, go biking, swimming, camping, hiking, and all that other fun stuff that doesn’t work well when it’s cold out. And oh boy, do we have some great spring and summer fun planned! Now don’t let me spoil things for those of you who have sunk tons of money into an expensive, large screen, digital, hi-def TV entertainment system (or two). I fully realize that nothing could possibly lure you out into the real world, where trees whisper, frogs croak, butterflies flutter, birds sing, and yes, the sun still shines.  All you bona fide couch potatoes have a lifetime permit (or is it a sentence)? To remain chained to your lounge chairs.  I would not want to interfere with your hard-earned

loafing time dedicated to the boob tube. But as for me, I’m going to blow all my free time in the sun until my hair bleaches and my skin tans! Although there is no chance that you’ll even consider doing any of the foolish spring and summer events we have put together, at least you can enjoy a good laugh by checking out the silly things us nature boys (and girls!) will be up to. We’ll be camping and swimming, hiking at various local woodlands, biking the trails, picnicking, playing softball and tennis, and going on scenic train rides, just to name

a few. It probably makes you exhausted just reading about them.  And just think how tired, hungry, blistered, sunburned, and miserable we’ll be when we get home. Boy are we dumb! But we can’t help it.  It’s some kind of disease.  Uh oh, I feel the summer itch coming on.  I can’t sit still.  It’s got a hold of me.  Look out wild life, here I come!

Regards,

Mike Kernan

Mike’s Message for April

Every April, I always think of spring. But this year, I forgot. So instead, I thought of new ways for CACers to have fun. But first, you have to get in the right mindset. You need to realize that fun won’t come knocking at your door. You have to go out where the fun is. But how do you find out where the fun is? Simple!  You just open your CAC Newsletter and voila!  There it is!  Lots of fun events where you can relax, laugh, and enjoy good conversation with the rest of us. Don’t worry if you are the quiet type. We have many members who can do the talking for you. All you have to do is smile or laugh on cue. I’ll help with cue cards. I have LAUGH, SMILE,  NOD and ROLL EYES.  Those should get you through most of the conversation. For the rest, you can ad lib. So come on out and start enjoying life.

I would like to wish all of you a joyous and blessed Easter. Please take advantage of your parish’s lenten observances, especially during Holy Week. It makes the Easter celebration so much more meaningful.

Mike Kernan