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President's Letter, January, 2019
Mike’s Message for January Yes, the rumors are all true. I am your President again in 2019. But don’t panic. The Board is keeping an eye on my every move. Pesky ankle monitor! But more to the point. January brings in a new year and a new outlook. Let’s make this year one of our most active and sociable years ever. There is lots of fun to be had, lots of things to see, and people to meet. (Especially me!) I would like to establish a new motto for this new year. The motto I have chosen is: “Let’s Have Fun!” So this year, we will try to do all sorts of fun and interesting things to bring this motto to life. CAC will present many opportunities for you to get out and enjoy life with other like-minded people. But you have to do your part. Make a resolution to try some new events this year. Select an event you would not normally do, and give it a try. Throughout the year, this newsletter will present hikes, biking, picnics, dances, social nights, movies, dinners, meetings, weekends, sporting events, …and the list goes on. But your job is to drag yourself out of your lonely little house or apartment, and show up at these events. We can’t force you to come. Heaven knows, I’ve tried. I once established a Singles Mutant Ninja Police Force (SMNPF) to hunt down shy people and drag them to our events. But people kept getting away and calling police. I still have an itch from that abrasive ankle monitor, and my emergency parole fund is dangerously low. But that’s another story. So this year, we can only provide you with opportunities to enjoy life. It’s up to you to get yourself there. OK? Good. I’m glad we had this nice chat. Now don’t just stand there. Go out and have fun!!! Mike Kernan President and Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme (additional honorific titles pending) P.S. Those pesky elves ignored my coal bin again this year. As a result, I spent the bulk of another Christmas Day cleaning up the living room. Someone did provide me with a sign, written in the elfin language that was supposed to say, “Please put the coal into the bin.” But only afterwards did I learn that it really said, “Elfin mothers wear army shoes.” Needless to say, this only angered them more. When I catch the guy who provided that bogus elfin sign (Victor), I will deal with him appropriately. |
President's Letter, December, 2018
Mike’s Message for December Whatever you do this month, don’t miss the annual CAC Christmas Dinner/Dance. It is one of our best events of the year. If you missed your reservation for the dinner, you can still come to the dance only, and pay at the door. It is important to take a moment to relax and spend some quality time with friends because Christmas can be a very busy and stressful time. It’s the same for me. I spend a lot of time preparing my living room for Santa’s elves. Every year, despite all my efforts, Santa’s elves insist on scattering my annual coal delivery all over the living room, despite the fact that I provide a large and sturdy bin to hold it in. So each year, I have to spend the bulk of Christmas Day cleaning up the mess. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind the coal, since I get top dollar for it on the black market. (North Pole anthracite is the best quality coal in the world.) But they could at least put it in the bin! But Noooooo! Year after year, the coal is scattered everywhere except for the bin, which remains shiny and pristine. And they eat all the cookies too. Pesky elves! But enough about my problems, I would like to express my wish for a joyous and blessed Christmas for all. Mike Kernan P.S. If anybody out there can speak elfin or North Pole-ese, or whatever it is that elves speak, please write me a note in their language that says, “Please put the coal in the bin.” And please do it before Christmas Eve. I’m desperate here. Anyway, it’s worth a shot. |
President's Letter, November, 2018
Mike’s Message for November I wish you all a happy and blessed Thanksgiving. We all have ample reasons to give thanks. I recently sat down quietly and thought about how many things I have to be thankful for. I was pleasantly surprised at all the things that came to mind. Let me share some of my own personal favorites: 1. CAC is alive and well. 2. Someone recently stole my identity, but they didn’t want it so they gave it back. 3. I recently learned that, due to a miscalculation, I am 10 years younger than I thought. 4. My grade school bully recently violated parole, and is now back in the slammer. 5. CAC is alive and well. 6. I recently received a new vaccine that immunizes against calories. (Welcome back cake!) 7. I no longer get bit by mosquitoes since I quit bathing last year. (Even poison ivy won’t touch me.) 8. Santa still brings me coal, but I get top dollar for it on the black market. 9. There are no zombies living under my bed. (I think I got them all.) 10. CAC is alive and well. You may have noticed that I am thankful that CAC is alive and well. A long time ago, I was lonely and bored. But then I stumbled on CAC. Now I have an organized group of friends with whom to interact and enjoy various interesting and fun activities and events. And I am more than willing to share CAC with you. No need to thank me. That’s the kind of guy I am. Now when you are done being thankful, put on your jacket and go out to a CAC event, so you can see for yourself why it is worth all this gratitude. Mike Kernan Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme |
President's Letter, October, 2018
Mike’s Message for October CAC is alive and has prepared new fun adventures for October. You only need to take advantage of them. But do look ahead at other months as well, since some events require advance reservation. I especially recommend the Christmas Dinner Dance coming up in December and accepting reservations now. This is always well-attended, and it is a great opportunity to enjoy a nice dinner and dance with lots of great people. You will know some, but not all who attend. But I know most of them and can vouch for them all. You will be very comfortable in this group. They are even nice to me! Go figure. I used to pay them, but now they are nice to me for free. And I only have to wash the dishes after the Christmas Dinner Dance. What a deal! (Last year, somebody told me I would not need to wash the pots next time, but I didn’t get a notarized letter. I hope they honor that anyway.) So please sign up and enjoy. You will be glad you did. But try not to dirty any pots. Oh, and there will be cake. Did I mention the cake? So much for future planning. In the meantime, enjoy this month’s events. And remember, CAC is not a dating club. It’s a social club. So there is none of that pressure or worry about couples, or dating, or pick-ups or any of that sort of thing. We are just fun-loving people who like to do fun things with others who are unattached. If by chance, you happen to meet someone special, I guess that’s OK. (We may have to fine you though. Oddly, I am always getting cited for one thing or another. Last summer, I was cited for shooting off fireworks in the middle of the night at the camping trip. I told them it wasn’t me, but they made me do the dishes all week anyway.) So do try to enjoy this month’s events, and plan to attend some of our bigger future events that require reservations. They are really great times! But please try not to dirty too many dishes. Mike Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme |
President's Letter, September, 2018
Mike’s Message for September Holy smokes! It’s September already! Where is the summer going? Well, if you did not get enough summertime fun, there are still some chances this month. We have a canoe trip on Labor Day, and a big picnic on the 23rd. So make sure you take advantage of these activities before it snows. While I was in Punxsutawney last February, I overheard the ground hog confiding with his peer seers. They said something about snow piled up to the windows and schools closed for a week. When they spotted me, I pretended that I didn’t know anything, and I just put on a dumb look and played stupid. Apparently I am good at that, because they bought it and ignored me, and I managed to scurry off with this foreboding prediction. So you had better prepare for cabin fever now by getting out there and enjoying the host of great events offered here in your CAC newsletter. When the snow comes and you can’t get outside, you’ll wish you did not let the summer go idly by. Of course, we will be planning some great winter activities too, so the fun need not end with the sun. Still, though, you had better take advantage of today’s fun today. You know the old saying: Opportunity does not knock. It only presents itself when you beat down the door. Mike |
President's Letter, August, 2018
Mike’s Message for August Don’t you just love summer? I do. And I especially love sharing summertime outdoors with my CAC friends. CACers are special people. Although we each started out as a little kid, we eventually grew up into adults. (I didn’t want to, but they made me.) For some people, the adult completely replaced the little kid. But with CACers it’s different. We are fun-loving people who managed to keep that little kid alive inside us. And we can let that little kid out sometimes to frolic and enjoy some carefree good times with our like-minded CAC friends. But unlike little kids, we now have money and a car, so we can really take advantage of fun things that were out of reach when we were young. We can play miniature golf, we can go bowling, we can go biking, we can go to restaurants or go on weekend trips, and do all those great things listed in the newsletter. It would be a shame if your little kid were deprived of all those fun opportunities due to adult reluctance. (Don’t worry. I asked your Mom, and she said it was OK.) So here is what you need to do: Before you read the rest of this newsletter, first sit down in a comfortable chair. Take a deep breath and harken back to a summertime in your childhood when you were only ten. Recall how you used to wake up looking forward to just going out and having fun. Well, remember that joyful feeling, and hold onto it. Then, with this fun-loving feeling in your heart, go ahead and read this newsletter. Pick out those events that really interest you, and also consider trying a new type of event that you might have ignored before. Make a point to be a little kid again this month, and have fun! Don’t worry. We’ll all help. (Of course, there will be pictures. Sorry.) Mike Kernan |
President's Message, July 2018
Mike’s Message for July Summer is in full swing now, and we are in the sun. Try some of our outdoor activities. We have a hike in one of our city parks this month, biking, and a camping trip to Lake Erie to name a few. (Even if you don’t camp, you can join us for a day or you can stay in a motel nearby and meet us for campfires and activities.) Last month, we went canoeing. Doing things outdoors is what summer is all about. It’s my favorite thing to do. Ever since I broke out jai..., er, that is, … since I was trapped indoors for the long winter, I can’t stand to be cooped up. So I really enjoy the warm summer weather and the opportunity it provides to appreciate nature, and to get away from the bustling city abounding with cop.., er, that is, crowded with people in a mad rush and hurry. So get out with your CAC friends, take a deep breath, and relax in the sun this summer. The more the merrier. You will like surrounding yourself with friends. I do. And when you’re in a crowd, they can’t spot you as easily and haul you back to the pok… ah, that is,… and bother you with unending requests for autographs and photo ops. It’s tough being a CAC celebrity. But I’m willing to suffer for the good of the many. No need to thank me. (But I do accept gifts, cash, and bullion. No, not the broth kind.) Hope to see you all outside this month! Mike Kernan |
President's Message, June, 2018
Mike’s Message for June Did you ever read the fictional story of Shangri-La? It was a hidden place tucked in the Himalayas where life was peaceful and happy, and people lived long lives. CAC is one of those special places where people can go to enjoy a brief escape, a respite, from life’s many annoyances. It’s a place to relax, to laugh, to talk about anything or nothing, and to stop and smell the roses. And in that special place, CACers have a unique super power. They can’t fly, or turn invisible, or leap tall buildings. (I used to do that, but I gave it up. The gawkers made me self-conscious.) But CACers do have a special super power. With nothing more than a friendly word, or a gentle ear, or by sharing a meal, or a laugh, or a sigh, we can lift up and bring joy to a lonely or downtrodden spirit. It seems like such a simple thing, but in fact, it is magical. It relieves pain and has healing properties. And its benefits extend in both directions, to the giver and the receiver. I urge you all to come to CAC events and to experience this super power to learn for yourselves its marvelous properties. You will discover that CAC is much more than a social club. It reminds me of that song, “Lean on Me.” But that title is too one-sided. If applied to CAC, the song would be called, “We Lean Together.” So get out of your cubbyhole, step away from the boob tube and your iPad, and come to a CAC event and live, laugh, and “lean” with us. It feels like a deep breath on a sunny day in the Himalayas…like Shangri-La. Mike Kernan, President P.S. Here are the results of last month’s poll. The choices were (A) Singles Police, (B) Knock-out models, (C) Puppies, or (D) Welcoming Atmosphere. Well, B got a lot of votes, but I am happy to report that D was the winner. So to all those applicants for the jobs of Singles Ninja Police, your services will not be needed.) Also, I have a lot of puppies I need to find homes for. I guess I jumped the gun a bit.
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President's Message, May, 2018
Mike’s Message for May Now that spring is upon us, we can enjoy the blessings of spring. But that’s only possible if you get off your lounge chair, check your newsletter, and commit to attending some great CAC events. I am getting weary of encouraging people who never attend anything. Therefore, as President, I have considered several new ways to get recalcitrant members to participate. Here are some of my ideas: Maybe I should start a new agency called the SMNP. That stands for the Singles Mutant Nija Police. Their job is to scour the county looking for recalcitrant CACers who miss out on all the fun by staying home when events are happening. No more! The SMNP will hunt you down, capture you, and drag you to events. Of course, there will be kicking and screaming at first. But eventually they will thank me once they have tasted the fun and camaraderie that CACers always enjoy. Or…. We can hire knock-out models to attend our events and pretend they are regular members. That ought to bring members out of the woodwork. Or…. We can have puppies at every event. Everybody loves puppies. That ought to draw ‘em in. Or… We can make a concerted effort to be more inviting, and extend a welcome to everyone, thereby embracing all in a warm and welcoming atmosphere. These are all such great ideas. I just can’t decide myself. Please pick your preference and let me know your vote. The choices are (A) Singles Police, (B) Knock-out models, (C) Puppies, or (D) Welcoming Atmosphere. Results will be noted in my next letter. Mike Kernan President
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President's Message, April, 2018
Mike’s Message for April I wish you all a happy and blessed Easter. Some of you have heard this historical story of mine before, but I think it deserves a rerun for those CACers who are clueless (I mean about our history). Many of you have heard that CAC history dates back to the 1960’s. While that may be true locally, in fact, archeologists have recently uncovered evidence of CAC back in the Aztec civilization, where it was called AAC, or “Aztec Alumni Club.” (Aren‘t we lucky that I am able to read and translate ancient Aztec writings? And you all thought speaking groundhog was impressive…) Yes, the Aztecs also had single people like us, who were seeking fun things to do with like-minded singles their own ages. But back then, it was much more difficult. Attempts to organize such classic events as movie night, bowling, and dinners were unsuccessful. You see, the Aztecs were rather shy and afraid to try new things. And since movies, bowling and restaurants had not yet been invented, very few of these shy Aztecs were courageous enough to show up at such events. Furthermore, being single was apparently a dangerous status back then, at least for women, because single women were always being sacrificed to appease some temperamental Aztec deity. For this reason, few Aztec women showed up at AAC events for fear they might be selected to “dance” with the sun god. Thankfully, all these problems had been solved in the modern era. Today, you can show up at movie night, bowling, and dinners and actually expect to enjoy a real movie, bowling, and dinner. And since it is no longer legal to sacrifice women to sun gods (at least, I think so), there is no longer any stigma associated with being single. In short, the CAC of Pittsburgh has solved almost all the various problems that prevented the Aztec Alumni Club from being successful. I say “almost” because there is still one problem that CAC has in common with its Aztec counterpart. We still have shy people who are afraid to try new things. Sadly, they are missing the chance to make a lot of good friends and enjoy some interesting conversation and pleasant, good times. To these people, I reiterate my personal theme for this year: Welcome! Please come on out and join the fun. And for our regular active members, I encourage all of you to go out of your way to try something new, some event that is a bit different from the usual ones you prefer to attend. You may be very pleasantly surprised. So come on out and join in the fun. (Aztec deities need not apply.) Sincerely, Mike Kernan Emperor Czar Potentate Supreme |
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